You know the saying “when it rains, it pours.” This month was like that. One thing, after the next, after the next with truly no end in sight. I lost several job opportunities, flunked a bunch of interviews and even lost a few friends. Instead of putting our differences aside a good friend of my decided to just step back and watch.
We’d been friends for almost a decade now and she truly meant everything to me. I confided in her and looked up to her. She’s beautiful, strong and fearlessly independent. I idealized everything about her. How hard she works. How, even though she is alone, she made this perfect home for herself. How beautiful she is. She’s an incredible person. But this unbelievable person, was watching me slowly fade and she seemed….to be enjoying it.
Instead of calling, putting our arguments in the past; this friend didn’t call at all. I was drowning and she was watching. Enjoying in the fact that her head was above the water instead, standing on my shoulders in the water so that she could reach the surface.
In this month long desperation, a new friend reached out her hand and said something I will never forget.
“Some friendships start loud and beautiful. Some friendships end in the silence; when you realize that nothing needs to be said at all and the relationship is over.”
I honestly do not know why this sat with me so deep.
When my long term friend did not reach out to me, even though she knew I was hurting, I knew that our friendship was over. In her eyes, I was not worth saving. Even though she was the one I needed the most.
I know that sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, I allow these kind of people to take advantage of me. I give people everything, every single part of myself. In the nicest way possible, I am a door mat but it’s OK. I cannot change how big my heart is, I can only protect it from hurting more.
Just a note to my future self – Thank you Kerry.